6 Fighters Who Crapped Their Pants in the Ring, Ultimately Finishing the Fight by Alan Gary
Pinching a loaf in the pants has always been the domain of kindergartners and alcoholics. We have uncovered this scatological sacrilege to be a staple of professional fighting. Pooping in the ring while beating the brains out of one’s opponent spans sports.
WrestleMania 13 reeked with malodorous melodrama when Sid Vicious launched a load. It was the wrestling card’s finale. The Undertaker readied Vicious for a pile driver. It was reported that a rank odor emanated from the soon-to-be pinned Vicious. Wrestling Forum accounts, claim, “Something with the texture and warmth of apple pie found its way into Sid’s pants after he was planted on the mat.”
Mixed Martial Arts and feces go hand in hand. Tim Sylvia, Ultimate Fighting Champion, battled Assuerio Silva on January 16, 2006. According to Daily Wrestling News.com, Sylvia had a wicked case of the shits the day of the match. But the champion that he was, he would not be beaten. Fighting fiercely in a cage, with diarrhea riddling his bowels, before an audience on cable’s Spike TV, he let loose the doody. Seeing is believing. Brown spots adorned Sylvia’s trunks throughout the match! Tim Sylvia being the champ that he was (he won) admitted to the discharge, unabashedly and unequivocally.
Wrestler Kevin Randleman wrestled a load of his own in his quest for victory against Jiu-Jitsu Warrior Renato “Babalu” Sobral at Ultimate Fighting Championship 35. The shitskis seemed to have developed the trotskis as numerous UFC Staff and Fighters faced a similar fate. Seems the hotel restaurant served something, causing reservations to the porcelain throne to skyrocket. However, Randleman was the only man to be man enough to admit, he deposited stool, safely tucked away in his trunks, while winning his match.
Boxing, the non-paciferous pugilistic playtime, is not immune to the ravages of runaway poop. Former WBA Welterweight Champion Andrew “Six Heads” Lewis in a fight he was winning in National Park, Georgetown, Guyana, walked away. Stabroek Sport confirms Lewis was ahead on all three judges’ cards when he blurted, “I prefer to lose the fight than to mess up myself in front of all these people.” He blamed the tummy woes on a milkshake he drank earlier in the day. One year later, Lewis matched up again with his rival, Denny Dalton and triumphed this time, to claim the Guyanese Light Middleweight Title. And he did not have to go potty this time.
Cuban Freestyle Wrestler Yoel Romero deserves a place in the pantheon of underdogs everywhere. A former Silver Medal Olympian, he trained under severe and sparse conditions in Havana. Not rich or privileged, his workouts consistently took place amidst the most unsanitary gyms of a poor nation. As a Mixed Martial Artist, he waged war with Derek Brunson. Speculation abounds as to the large brown spot on his trunks during his battle with Brunson during UFC 35. While Romero has yet to come clean as to the nature of the stain, there remains a cloud of confusion as to whether he truly shart a fart. Nevertheless, he persevered and, ultimately, beat the shit out of his opponent. Now, isn’t that what truly matters?
In the ultimate case of dual deposits, John Cena said in a WWE Magazine interview in 2008 that he once got sick during a match with Scott Steiner in Winnipeg. Said to be suffering from food poisoning, he went underneath the ring at one point during the match to vomit. His trunks filled with crappola at the same time.
We see that these Ring Warriors all have in common, a determination never to give up. Win or lose, covered, or dripping or smelling in the foul, they ultimately would finish their mission. Ultimate Warriors meeting their match.
Ten Tips for the Perfect Fun Party as Hosted by Alan Gary for Cracked.com
1. Invite only Zombies, they are easy to please.
2. It does not matter if the ratio of male to female Zombies is 50-50, as they are all deceased, so why not?
3. Remember to go shopping early, as to pick up at least ten pounds of brains per expected Zombie guest who is coming for dinner. Don’t be stingy, or you know whose brains they are going to go for. Penny-wise, pound foolish is your butt!
4. Set up Parlor games to break the ice. Include: Zombie Twister, Zombie Trivial Pursuit (categories include: George Romero, Original Night of the Living Dead vs. crappy knock-offs and Famous Zombies Who Occupied The White House)
5. If you are having Zombies over who have been dead a real long time, then go to Netflix and watch Abbott and Costello Meet the Zombies.
6. For snacks, the following should be a real no-brainer…oops…What I meant was, have finger foods such as Lady Fingers. That little Bodega that sells six-month-old milk probably will have some ” In the back of the store”, if you know what I mean.
7. If you are alive and reading this and want to play with the Zombies at your party, go to Home Depot or a Target Store near you and pick up some torches. You can stay in your apartment, dorm or house with them when they are lit, and you won’t be killed. But for God’s sake, don’t be a dumbass and forget to light them or to have matches or a lighter handy. Oh, and pick up an inexpensive chainsaw, to be explained later.
8. Now that you have LISTENED to what I have told you and have prepared properly and have a place full of Zombies, it is time to mix and mingle. Don’t stay by yourself in a corner or all locked up in a barricaded basement. That’s no fun. Don’t be a Dumpy Dan or Sad Sara, TALK to your guests. Yes, you can do it, even if their brains are infested with putrid rotting maggots and the most vile bacterium on the face of the planet Earth, that doesn’t mean YOU have to be a snob. Yeah, their throats are probably filled with dirt or swirling with worms, but you can still tell them jokes. Be nice and remember: “Random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty,” can abound in you. YOU made the party!!!
9. Now, time for the yummy Dinner! You don’t have to serve on any fancy-schmancy Martha Stewart bowls or silverware. Your guests are dead, for crying out loud. Throw whatever rancid spoiled stuff you’ve had in your cabinets for years, on the floor and yell “Brains, come and get it!” They will.
10. After the fiesta is over, your guests will want to leave, as to not overstay their welcome. To make sure they get home safe, whip out the chainsaw you also bought. You did remember to buy one, didn’t you? You will need this to sever their heads completely from their bodies. It’s the only way to keep them from coming at you when your torches die down. Smile when you are slaughtering them, as you are expediting their trip back home to Hell….Now, you can relax, knowing you threw a real great party!
How America Used Girl Scout Cookies To Secure Its Place In The World, As Told To Billy by Alan Gary
Billy, may I call you that? Surely I can. I know, don’t call you Shirley! Now just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale. Because the caper has been told. Way back after the first great war to end all wars, the Girl Scouts were returning home from Paris after a well deserved brief R&R. The spoils of war, embedded in their Power Puff backpacks like a badger’s teeth in a raccoon. Cookies, cookies and more cookies tucked safely like Madame Curie’s Alka-Seltzer tablets in a bag of rice. These kids fought the Kaiser’s army and were victorious. Their merit badges included, among other things, good housekeeping in a pontoon, small arms fire over a campfire and hand-to-hand miniature bayonet fighting, without breaking a nail. The 1920s turned into the 1930s and our nation underwent a depression. Prozac had not been discovered in Alaska yet. So, the cookies, fifteen years old, half-eaten, moldy and stale, left over from the war, were touted as an antidote to the Nation’s woes by President Roosevelt. These cookies had been outlawed along with bathtub gin, early Coca-Cola and reefer because of the madness they had caused when tested on two headed mice. But, Billy, hey, you ever watch Gladiator movies? Ahem, ‘scuse me. Now back to our true story. Because of the hypnotic effect of these little crumbers including Do Si Dos, Tagalongs and Lemon Chalet Crèmes, we were ushered into the nuclear age and forever assured of our role in the security of the world. ~ According to Wikipedia. “If it is on Wikipedia, then it must be true!” submitted by me, Alan Gary, based on reliable guess work. Because I am a good guesser.